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♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

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♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians,

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♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

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♪ Horrors that defy description

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♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

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♪ Punishments from ancient times

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♪ Romans
Rotten, rank and ruthless

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♪ Cavemen
Savage, fierce and toothless

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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

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♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

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♪ Gory stories, we do that

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♪ And your host, a talking rat

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♪ The past is no longer a mystery

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♪ Welcome to...

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♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪

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TRUMPET FANFARE
Horrible Histories presents...

18
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,520
Henry VIII ruled for 38 years,

19
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,240
had six wives, and three children.

20
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,160
And after Edward and Mary's turn,

21
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,040
Elizabeth rules for 45 years.

22
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,280
But who ruled better?

23
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Maybe they can tell you.

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Hello, loyal subjects.

25
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,600
I'm Henry VIII -
King, father and total legend.

26
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,440
And I'm Queen Elizabeth I -

27
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:09,560
beloved monarch,

28
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:12,720
iconic beauty and, unfortunately,
his daughter.

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00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,760
Oh-ho! Cheeky, right out the gate.

30
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,960
And we both ruled England during the
Tudor period.

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00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,000
And we were both extremely good at it.

32
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,640
One of us more than the other.

33
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,440
So, here's our guide to ruling
a nation.

34
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,960
What do you mean, "One of
us more than the other"?

35
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,120
Well, if the crown fits.

36
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,880
Fine. Well, why don't we let you
decide who did it best?

37
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,000
Massive spoiler alert - it was me!

38
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,320
Remind me, who was it who defeated
the Spanish Armada?

39
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:39,120
Remind me, who was it that had
a mechanical dragon?

40
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,680
A mechanical what, now?

41
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,320
A mechanical dragon.

42
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,920
Four of the last five Kings of
England have died

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00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,760
in mysterious or violent circumstances.

44
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,720
That trend ends with me.

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00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,360
I'm Henry VIII

46
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and this is X-treme Survival.

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00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,440
Tip One - self defence.

48
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,960
Britain's been at war with France
on-and-off forever.

49
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,200
Going to the border between English
and French controlled France

50
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,360
may not have been the smartest idea.

51
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,680
I may need to defend myself in
a hurry!

52
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,000
Look around you. What do you see?

53
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,240
A stout branch,

54
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,600
sharpened, would make an excellent spear.

55
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:20,160
Well positioned leaves can make
excellent camouflage.

56
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,920
But what I like to do is

57
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,800
contact my enemy, King Francis,
in advance,

58
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,520
sign a peace treaty,

59
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,280
and throw a big festival to celebrate,

60
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,960
with tournaments, singing, dancing,
wrestling and archery.

61
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,600
Le good times!

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00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,160
FRENCH ACCENT:
Survival extreme!

63
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,760
Although technically speaking, zis
whole area should be part of France

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00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,720
and I may have to attack next year.
Good luck with that.

65
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,800
Tip Two - Shelter.

66
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,240
You make peace, but it's not
just people that can be hostile.

67
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You may find yourself battling the
elements, too.

68
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,680
You need shelter.

69
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,280
Look around you - what do you see?
Trees, bushes.

70
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,640
A simple shelter made from branches

71
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,200
could keep you
alive on a cold night.

72
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,000
But what I like to do is,

73
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have my men build a field full of
massive tents

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with actual windows
and our own chapel.

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00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,560
10,000 metres of
tent city, baby!

76
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,560
It's so big, they call it The Field
Of Cloth Of Gold.

77
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Lush. But you're going to need
some food in there.

78
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,320
So, what I like to do is

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00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,640
bring 3,500 sheep,
BAAING

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850 veal calves,
MOOING

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00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,000
a bunch of pigs
SQUEALING

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and there's a fountain that squirts
actual wine.

83
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Obviously.

84
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You all right, mate?

85
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Bit quiet.

86
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,160
Tip Three - Companionship.

87
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Many a man has gone mad

88
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in the wilderness with no-one to
talk to

89
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,000
but a few rocks with faces drawn
on them.

90
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,360
This is Edward

91
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:46,840
and this...

92
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,280
...is Edward, too.

93
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,680
I've never been good with names.

94
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,720
Isolation can be a deadly enemy.

95
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,160
Look around you, what do you see?

96
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,240
Well, the countryside might provide
a solution -

97
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,520
walking, hunting, fishing.

98
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,880
But what like to do is travel with
over 6,000 people with me,

99
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,160
including my wife and

100
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,000
a toy, mechanical, dragon kite.

101
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,240
I take over 1,000

102
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,080
extra people
with me too.

103
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,560
A duchess, 10 countesses,

104
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,280
12 baronesses, 20 knight's ladies,

105
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,680
14, you know, regular ladies,

106
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,280
a chaplain and some bishops.

107
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,920
That's X-treme Survival.

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00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,320
Hardcore.

109
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,800
I'm Henry VIII.

110
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,960
It's 1520, I'm in the Field Of Cloth
Of Gold

111
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,360
and I've got a mechanical dragon.

112
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,600
This is X-treme Survival.

113
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,440
Just me, for the end one, I think.

114
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,640
Doing the X. Yeah, thanks.

115
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:50,120
As you could see from Daddy's rather
extravagant trip to France...

116
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,360
Extravagant? It was just a bit
of light camping,

117
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,480
with wine fountains and a flat-pack
church.

118
00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:00,560
Mm, being a monarch can, obviously,
bring you untold riches.

119
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,400
CASH REGISTER RINGS
It also give you access

120
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,280
to all the latest gadgets and inventions,

121
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,440
and believe me,

122
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that can come as quite a relief.
FARTING

123
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,760
This way, Your Majesty.

124
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,600
Oh, Harington, I love surprise
gifts!

125
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,040
Is it diamonds?

126
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,960
Ta-dah!

127
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,720
Have we been robbed?

128
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,480
No, this is it.

129
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,440
I designed and built you a flushing toilet.

130
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,360
Look, cistern here -
full of water.

131
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,800
And, once you've done your royal business,

132
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,240
you have a lever to pull to flush
away all of the, erm...

133
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,160
You built me a loo?
Why don't you give it a go?

134
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,320
Harington! Please, Your Majesty.

135
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,320
It's completely odourless.

136
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,880
Think how sweet all of your palaces
will smell,

137
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,320
if they all had one.

138
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,000
Oh, so you're saying

139
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,320
that my crib stinks, are you?

140
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,880
Er, no.

141
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,200
No? No. No? No!

142
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,840
I'm not going to the toilet.

143
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,720
Well, it's not good to hold it in.

144
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,240
I do not need a poo!

145
00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,440
And if I did,

146
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,000
I would do it in a pot,
like anyone else.

147
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,640
Good day to you!

148
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,640
Cheek of the man!

149
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,840
Banging on about my bowels, saying
my house stinks! It's an outrage.

150
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,160
TUMMY RUMBLES

151
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,640
Ooh, that shouting's made me...

152
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,920
Maybe I'd better... ooh...

153
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,000
SQUELCHING
Harington!

154
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,320
I am so sorry, Your Majesty.

155
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,320
I know I said it was odourless,

156
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,440
but you might want to open a window.

157
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,160
POOHING AND WEEING
Yep.

158
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,160
Ah, a flushing toilet -
what an invention!

159
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,400
Not bad, but I've got my own way

160
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,480
of making my royal business
disappear, too.

161
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,360
He's called Tom.

162
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,680
Or Tony.

163
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,040
Or Will.

164
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,080
I had a lot of Grooms
Of The Stool,

165
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:49,240
unsurprising
really.

166
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,080
I was King
for 38 years.

167
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,680
Queen for 45 years, but who's
counting?

168
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:54,920
Well, you, obviously.

169
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,080
Of course, when you're a ruler,

170
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,600
you have to make some rules.

171
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,240
Clue's in the name, mate!

172
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:04,000
And I was pretty good at making up rules.

173
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,280
And changing them WHENEVER he felt
like it.

174
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:15,520
Your Majesty, you are aware of
customs relating to feasting

175
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,320
on a Friday, are you not?

176
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:21,520
Oh, yes. Absolutely no meat on
a Friday.

177
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,920
Just fish.

178
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,480
Rules are rules.

179
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,160
Your Majesty!

180
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,400
You're eating a bird.

181
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,800
No, no, no, no, no, no! Um, this is
a barnacle goose.

182
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,360
Yes, a goose.

183
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,320
Yeah, but it's got the word
barnacle in the name.

184
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,160
And barnacles are those little
volcano things

185
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,440
that live in the sea,

186
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,000
along with - you guessed it - fish.

187
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,680
Well, you can't just eat it

188
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,120
because it's got barnacle in the
name, Your Majesty.

189
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,320
It's clearly meat.
SHE SCOFFS

190
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,800
Please, back me up, Bishop.

191
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,320
The eating of meat on Friday

192
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,040
is against God's law.

193
00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,920
But...

194
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,840
...the barnacle goose has the word
"barnacle" in it. Thank you.

195
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,000
So, it's clearly a fish.

196
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,240
Fish knows fish.

197
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,320
Mm, lovely meal, Your Majesty.

198
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,480
Wait, no, er,

199
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,920
you can't eat that, either.

200
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:15,640
That's beaver tail.

201
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,360
Well, where do
beavers live?

202
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,640
Not in the sea, for a start.

203
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,240
No, but they live by the water.

204
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:27,680
Sometimes their delicious little
tails... Hang down into the water.

205
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,920
Therefore... BOTH: ..fish!

206
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,720
Fish dish, Bish? Don't mind if I do.

207
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,240
That's swan! Fish. Fish.

208
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,680
Your Majesty, nothing on this table
is fish.

209
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,920
Seal, porpoise,

210
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,800
whale, puffin!

211
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,080
Fishy... fish... fish... fish.

212
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,280
Swim, swim,
swim, swim.

213
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,080
Fish!

214
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,800
Meat can not be cooked and served
on a Friday.

215
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:57,080
Tell me, milady, is there a custom
against noblewomen

216
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,000
being cooked and served on a Friday?

217
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,120
Delish... fish-fish.

218
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,640
BURPING

219
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:15,040
Hello. I loved sweets and sugar
so much

220
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,880
that I had all sorts of things made
out of it, even the plates.

221
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,760
Ow! Ow!

222
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,480
Ah, normal plate.

223
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,640
There's a couple of teeth I'm not
getting back.

224
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:25,800
My question for you,

225
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,840
is which of these did I also have
the cooks make for me

226
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,800
in order to satisfy my sugary
cravings?

227
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,640
Was it...

228
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,040
GROWLING

229
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,160
The answer was A

230
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,200
and B

231
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,840
and C! What can I say?

232
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,640
I've a very sweet tooth!

233
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:49,880
Mm, mm.

234
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,600
Still a real plate.

235
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,440
Being a ruler is hard work and
you've got to stay in shape.

236
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,800
Testify!
HE BURPS

237
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,560
But looking as good as me doesn't
just happen naturally, you know.

238
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,040
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

239
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,800
I used to exercise in my own
very special way.

240
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,400
ELIZABETHAN RECORDER MUSIC

241
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:15,280
Your Majesty, the ambassador of
France is here to see you.

242
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:19,320
Your Majesty, it is wonderful to see
you in such good health.

243
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,880
Why wouldn't I be in good health?
What have you heard?

244
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,160
Nothing, Your Majesty. Er...
Oh, because I'm 50 now,

245
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,480
you all think I'm past it. Is that
it? Well, er, no, Your Majesty,

246
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,480
but... No? ..the thing is, none of
us are getting any younger.

247
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,840
Right, that's it! Music!
LUTE PLAYS

248
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,200
Everyone is saying our Queen has
lost it, are they? Hm?

249
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,560
Well, if I was past it, could I do
this?

250
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,280
Er... mais oui.

251
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,600
Tres impressive,
Your Majesty.

252
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,320
Your turn.

253
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,920
Ah, no...I...
Come on, your turn.

254
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,840
OK. Ready? A-five, six, seven,
eight!

255
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,080
ELIZABETHAN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

256
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,920
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
We really must discuss...

257
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,600
I sometimes do six or seven
galliards in my chamber

258
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,800
before anything else
in the morning. Ah!

259
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:02,960
Still got it,
haven't I?

260
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,040
LAUGHING: Of course.

261
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,920
But we still have business to
attend to.

262
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,160
I'm as fit as I was 30 years ago.

263
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,960
In complete control of my own
body. Of course, Your Majesty.

264
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,200
But, er, please, could we take
a little break?

265
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,800
Very well.

266
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,840
HE PANTS
Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.

267
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,800
Ooh! Be sure to tell your King

268
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,160
that I'm in perfect health.

269
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,600
PANTING: I will, Your Majesty.

270
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,120
Oh! I need water.

271
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,120
Well, that showed him.

272
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,040
Will someone call a doctor? I
pulled something four leaps ago.

273
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,360
Ahhhh.

274
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,120
Being a ruler means having to make decisions.

275
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,760
It can be tough,
and I think it's fair to say,

276
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,520
we both got some things wrong.

277
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,920
Well, I don't know about that.

278
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,360
John Hawkins.

279
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,640
Oh, fair enough.

280
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,720
Will you be pitching a new venture
to The Queen today, Captain John?

281
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,480
Why, yes, Tudor servant-person.

282
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,760
I've a most wonderful business
opportunity that Her Maj

283
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,360
would be CRAZY to pass up on.

284
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,480
D'you want to do a quick run-through
with me, before you go in?

285
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,400
Um... sure!

286
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,720
A little practice can't hurt,
can it?

287
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,440
Hup.

288
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:13,200
So, my merchant ships will travel
between these three points

289
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,360
in a sort of triangle formation,

290
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,120
making a profit at each stop.

291
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,440
It a win, win, win... lose.

292
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,400
Um, sorry, did you just say, "lose"?

293
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,800
Yes. Anyway, we'll start off taking
fun stuff,

294
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,680
like pearls, ginger and sugar from
the New World here.

295
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:30,600
Oh, that's wonderful. Her Majesty
just loves sugar. I know!

296
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,160
And then we'll bring them here, to Britain.

297
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,680
And then we take metal, gunpowder
and guns from here in Britain,

298
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,000
and sell them in Africa here.

299
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,200
And on the final leg,

300
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:41,600
from Africa to the New World,

301
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,160
we make a huge profit selling...
CLEARS THROAT

302
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,800
Er, I was with you, but I'm a bit
lost now.

303
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,720
What exactly are you picking up in
Africa?

304
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,720
Oh, wasn't I clear? Oh, I'm sorry!

305
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,160
In Africa we will be collecting...
CLEARS THROAT

306
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,920
...and selling them in the New
World. You just did it again.

307
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,480
What are you getting in Africa?

308
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,840
Um... people.

309
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,040
What?!

310
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,560
So, you want to capture people,

311
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,840
pack them in ships, take them across
the Atlantic in horrible conditions,

312
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,600
then sell the ones that survive?

313
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,320
And their children. And their
children?!

314
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:12,640
To work without pay in the New World
for the rest of their lives?!

315
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,160
Um... yeah.

316
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,320
I mean, when you put it like that,

317
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,600
it sounds quite horrible.

318
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,200
Well, you're a tankard half-full
kind of guy, aren't you?

319
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,880
Her Majesty will not go for this.

320
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,040
She's well known for being against
the idea of forced enslavement.

321
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,760
What you are suggesting is both
evil and reprehensible.

322
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,040
Thank heavens our ruler is one of
sound moral compass.

323
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,000
She stands to make £10,000
from each trip we make.

324
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,920
She's going to go
for it, isn't she?

325
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,840
Mm, methinks yes.

326
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,680
DOOR OPENS
QUEEN: Oh, John, nice to see you.

327
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,040
Your Majesty!

328
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,600
The misery people will
inflict for money.

329
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,520
Ah, the forests of England -

330
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,640
one of my greatest resources.

331
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:57,720
Vast swathes of woody wild land
teeming with animal life.

332
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,480
Oh, beautiful birds.

333
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,240
Nice tune, dude.

334
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,080
Hello there, little fellow.
SQUIRREL CHATTERS

335
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,680
You know, it's these vast forests
and woodlands

336
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,200
that make England what it is today.

337
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,760
Because we can chop them all down
and make warships.

338
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,440
2,000 oak trees per boat.

339
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,800
And we can
use the rest

340
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,840
for charcoal
for the ironworks.

341
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,280
This is such a nice one.
Um, Your Majesty,

342
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,160
there may be consequences to
stripping England's woodlands.

343
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,800
For a start, it wouldn't be sustainable.

344
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,320
What do we do the next time we need
some wood?

345
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,360
We can nick all the land off the monasteries.

346
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,720
They've got heaps of trees.
But we've already done that.

347
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,840
Well, we can use the warships,

348
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,000
made from these noble plants,

349
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,400
to conquer other countries and chop
all their trees down!

350
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,840
Good times! Yes, yes, but what
happens when their trees run out?

351
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,920
I don't know. Pass a law to plant
some more, or something.

352
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,960
You're the advisor.
You're boring me now.

353
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,000
ARROW PINGS
ANIMAL SQUEAKS

354
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,880
Oh, cool! Want to make yourself
useful, go and fetch that squirrel.

355
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:54,920
Cook it.

356
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,000
I'm hungry.

357
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,880
♪ Da-da, da da-dee. ♪

358
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:02,040
Ruling a country is a difficult and
stressful job.

359
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,160
So, you need to learn how to relax.

360
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,280
So true.

361
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,840
You know how I used to relax,
when I was older?

362
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,480
Hunting wild animals.

363
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,520
How is that relaxing?

364
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,360
Well, I used to sort of just stay on
the same spot

365
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,960
and have them chased past me.

366
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,240
IMAGINARY ARROW SHOOTING
ANIMAL SQUEAKING

367
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,080
Man, I miss dat rush.

368
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,960
Well, my way of relaxing
was a nice quiet bath.

369
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,480
Just me, all alone...
IMAGINARY ARROWS PINGING

370
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,080
...apart from Mr Swanny and, er,
several servants.

371
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,600
Ready to be dressed for bed,
my queen?

372
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,760
Five more minutes.

373
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,960
Another bath, Your Majesty.

374
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,720
She only had one last month.

375
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,800
And I'll have one next month.

376
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,280
A bath a month,
whether I need it or not.

377
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,440
Isn't that right, Mr Swanny?

378
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,720
Mr Swanny says, "Yes, that's right."

379
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,080
And I know best
because I'm the Queen!

380
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,960
LAUGHING AND FARTING BUBBLING

381
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,520
Ohhh, Mr Swanny!

382
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,680
Your Majesty mustn't take so many
baths, they're bad for you.

383
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,760
Well, I like them.

384
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,400
Yes, we know that.

385
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,880
We have to carry a portable one
around with us

386
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,760
every time you want to travel. Mm.

387
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,200
That thing is
not easy

388
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,680
to lift on to
the cart.

389
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,400
All I ask, is for a little royal
me-time

390
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,280
once a month, in a nice bath,

391
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,520
to take my mind off unhappy thoughts like...

392
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,120
...beheading ungrateful servants who
keep picking on me.

393
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,480
Quite right, Your Royal Beautifulness.

394
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,640
Be a treasure and wash my hair,
would you? Certainly, Ma'am.

395
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,080
ELIZABETH SINGS

396
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,680
SHE SIGHS
I'll bring it back when it's done.

397
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,320
Ah.

398
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,400
Ooh. Oh, you've caught me doing
my facial.

399
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,440
What?

400
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,280
People are painting me, like, all
the time,

401
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,960
so I have to look my best.

402
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,400
But what special ingredient do I use
in my ointments and balms?

403
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,440
Is it...

404
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,200
The answer is C - unicorn horn.

405
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,920
Only the
finest ingredients

406
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,360
go on this
kingly body.

407
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,320
Of course, some people say unicorns
aren't real,

408
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,040
and it's really the horn from a
narwhal, which is sort of a whale.

409
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,640
But I say...
BLOWS RASPBERRY

410
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,240
Just because you haven't seen something,

411
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,960
doesn't mean you shouldn't believe
in it.

412
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,360
I've not seen my perfect wife yet,

413
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,480
but I still believe I might find
one, eventually.

414
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,520
Speaking of which,
leave me in peace.

415
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,000
I've got to keep this on for another
ten minutes,

416
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,800
then I'm off on a date.

417
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,520
HE SIGHS

418
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,320
Please, let this one be my unicorn.

419
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,880
You know, you really do need to be
able to

420
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:40,640
switch off from the terrible burden
of being an awesome King.

421
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,560
Wars...
EXPLOSION

422
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,920
...executions...
SCREAMING

423
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,320
...are just two ways that I like to decompress.

424
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,520
One of those executions was my
mother! There you go - more stress!

425
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,200
But another way I like to
relax was to dress up

426
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,800
as one of my all time heroes.

427
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,840
Now, I have to warn you,
Your Majesty,

428
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,440
your husband, King Henry,

429
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,000
is planning a surprise.

430
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,280
Ooh! I love presents.

431
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,360
Er, yes, we all love presents,
Queen Katherine,

432
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,480
but this is more likely to be...

433
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,440
GRUFF VOICE: Ah-hah! Stand and
deliver!

434
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,800
Stand and deliver. Stand and deliver.

435
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,880
Oh, Gertrude, Margaret we are being
ambushed!

436
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,520
GRUFF GARBLED VOICE:
I am Robin Hood.

437
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,600
They have us surrounded.
Call the King.

438
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,320
It is the King, Your Majesty.
NORMAL VOICE: I'm not the King!

439
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,400
GRUFFLY: I'm not the
King, I'm Robin Hood.

440
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,880
Robin... who? No,
not... Robin HOOD.

441
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,440
Robin HOOT?

442
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,800
What, like an owl?
HOOTING

443
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,320
It is your husband, Ma'am, but you
have to play along.

444
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,520
Why is he pretending to be an owl?
He's not. He's pretending to be

445
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,160
some mythical bloke from Nottingham

446
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,640
who hopped about in tights.

447
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,000
It's an English thing.

448
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,240
Ladies, when you're quite finished.

449
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,400
Yeah, sort of a whole thing going on here.

450
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,040
A lot of people gave up their
afternoons. So... OK.

451
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,040
Help! Help! Better.

452
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,880
Who will save us from Mr Robin...

453
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,280
Wearing it on my head! ..Hat?

454
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,720
HOOD! Sorry.

455
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,600
GRUFFLY: Ladies, we must away
back to Sherwood Forest.

456
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,120
Good times.

457
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,480
Er, must you leave?

458
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,000
Yeah, I really have to go.
These tights are so itchy

459
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,400
and they are riding me raw!

460
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,880
But you cannot leave
without a kiss. Ha!

461
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,960
GRUFFLY: Hang on,

462
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,040
ain't you married?

463
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,520
Yes, how I wish he was here now.

464
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,840
A-ha! He IS here!

465
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,240
LADIES IN WAITING: Oh! Tis he.
Tis I, your husband,

466
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,400
Henry VIII. No, I know. We get it.

467
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,800
Yeah, I'm not Robin Hood.

468
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,680
You totes believed I was him.

469
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,440
Oh, no! Who are these large and
handsome...?

470
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,960
No, we've done that now.

471
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,720
GRUFFLY: Right, ladies. We
shall meet again in the wild wood,

472
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,960
wherever me arrow doth fall.

473
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,120
ARROW PINGS
MAN SCREAMS

474
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,240
Sorry, Simon.

475
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,520
Ladies.

476
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,600
KING AND MEN CHEER

477
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,560
Do they do this sort of thing much?

478
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,840
Way too often.

479
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,960
Ho-ho-ho! Robin Hood - more like
Robin HOT.

480
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,120
Am I right?

481
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:03,600
You know, as well as being a great
ruler, I was a great family man.

482
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,720
I treated my son and heir,
Edward VI,

483
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,520
like he was the most special
thing in the world.

484
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,800
Because he was.

485
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,000
I'm right here!

486
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,200
What's your point?

487
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,160
Oh!
SHE GROANS

488
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,800
Daddy, you've come to see me!

489
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,200
Oh, yo! Big up the future Edward VI,
my little Mini Me.

490
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,400
Brought you a bunch of presents from everyone.

491
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,160
Great. Can I go outside today?

492
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,320
No chance. You might get ill... again.

493
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,560
Oh, but I sneezed, like, once.

494
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,520
I think it was just dust.

495
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,600
Sorry, you're too precious.

496
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,080
I can't risk anything happening to
my one male heir.

497
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,440
Why do you think all your food gets
tasted first

498
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,200
and everyone who visits gets washed?

499
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,000
Not me!
Everyone else.

500
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,160
CLEARS THROAT

501
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,600
Now, stop moping.

502
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,320
I should be the
one who's moping.

503
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,320
You've cost me three wives and
a pope.

504
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,160
It's not my fault you were so
desperate for a male heir.

505
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,240
Whatever! Just play with all the
friends I send you.

506
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,280
Friends?! You sent me Sir William Sidney.

507
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,440
He's 64 years old.
SNORING

508
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,280
Do you know how bad he is at
hopscotch?

509
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,880
Scotch?! Maybe a small one.

510
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,720
He's all right for a game
of scotchie.

511
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:12,880
Has he been washed?

512
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,000
Oh... er...

513
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,760
Pressie time! Oh, it's my favourite.

514
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,040
Tapestry's from me.

515
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,160
Got you the large.

516
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,240
Wow! Not as large as that one.

517
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,240
GROWLING
EDWARD SCREAMS

518
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,840
SCREAMING: Daddy, there was a bear
inside!

519
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,160
Wow! Fighting bear. That's hardcore.

520
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,560
Still, health and
safety nightmare.

521
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,280
Can someone wash the bear before
Eddie plays with it?

522
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,440
I don't want it passing on a bug.

523
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,480
EDWARD SCREAMS

524
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,640
Grow up. It's only a bear.

525
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,600
You're lucky we didn't get you
a tiger.

526
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,600
Actually, that sounds pretty rah.

527
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,680
Might put one on my Christmas list.

528
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,400
SCREAMING: I don't like it.

529
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,040
OK, bored now.

530
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,440
Lunch!

531
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,160
While we were kings and queens
and princes and princesses,

532
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,040
we were also a family.

533
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,480
And when I was younger,
we loved nothing more than

534
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,640
spending time together,
especially at Christmas.

535
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,880
Oh, I like presents the best.

536
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,960
Daddy! Yeah, and I liked spending
time with you, too.

537
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,880
Thank you.

538
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,760
QUIETLY: But mostly the presents.

539
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,160
UPBEAT POP MUSIC

540
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,280
Oh, wait. Anne of Cleves isn't here.

541
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,560
You haven't invited all the
ex-wives, have you?

542
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,760
There's only one left.
All our mums are dead.

543
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,560
Three different mothers, all dead.

544
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,080
You'd think I'd remember.

545
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,080
Cooee! Oh, joy. Anne of Cleves is here.

546
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,440
Sorry, I was praying again.

547
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,760
Right, ready.

548
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,560
ALL: Happy Christmas from the Tudors.

549
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,600
It's Christmas and no-one's given me
a present yet.

550
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,760
I wonder if Captain Christmas has
hidden them?

551
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,280
He loves presents so much, we all
have to buy him one,

552
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,160
even the courtiers.

553
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,280
Shall we do presents?!

554
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,360
Presents!

555
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,880
Well, no-one's got anything better
to do.

556
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,640
I'll go first, because I got you guys

557
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,760
the best present ever.

558
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,040
Is it France?
Oh, no. It's too small.

559
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,640
It's not Wales, is it?
Cos I've already got one.

560
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,520
Oh.

561
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,640
You've translated a book of
French and Latin prayers

562
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,440
into English. Oh,
it's wonderful.

563
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,640
I embroidered it

564
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,640
with both of
your initials.

565
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,840
HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

566
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,040
Seriously, what did you get me?

567
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,440
It's cos I know how much you
love religion, Daddy.

568
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,720
I mean, you literally started your
own church.

569
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,560
Only so he could divorce my mum,

570
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,560
who died of a broken heart.

571
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,520
Why would you bring that up at
Christmas?!

572
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,800
I'm quite aware that it's Christmas.
MARY IMITATES ELIZABETH

573
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,120
Girls!

574
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,320
ALL ARGUE
Girls!

575
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,000
It's present time.

576
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,480
Read the room.

577
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,600
Daddy, I've got you another present.

578
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,640
HE LAUGHS

579
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,000
I knew you weren't
just going to give

580
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,440
me that silly sort of boring,

581
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,200
little book. Oh, it's the same one.

582
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,640
I made you one each.

583
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,360
It's, er, very nice.

584
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,640
FAKE COUGHING: Rudey gift.

585
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,480
Ask me what I want for Christmas?

586
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,880
OK, what do you want?

587
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,080
Well, we all know how generous you are.

588
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,840
Spent a whole year's
tax revenue

589
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,000
for Christmas once.

590
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,520
Well, I thought
a wonderful gift

591
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,880
might be to recognise me as heir
to the throne.

592
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,920
DRAMATIC MUSIC

593
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,040
Ah.

594
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,760
Unbelievable.

595
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,800
ALL ARGUE

596
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,240
She's not even a boy.

597
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,920
King Elizabeth?!
Sounds rubbish.

598
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,840
Honestly, I'm just happy to still be alive.

599
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:53,040
Families, eh?

600
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:55,080
ARGUING CONTINUES

601
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,720
Can't live with them,

602
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,480
but CAN execute them.

603
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,680
Good times.

604
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,840
AXE SLICES

605
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,200
So, there you go.

606
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,760
That's how you rule.

607
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,280
Mechanical dragons, wine fountains.

608
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,680
Bathing once a month, whether you
need it or not.

609
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,960
Dressing up as your favourite
mythical heroes.

610
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,440
Being ready to drop a galliard at
a moment's notice.

611
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,360
And having a Groom Of The Stool
ready to clear it up!

612
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,360
FARTING
It's a dance, as you well know.

613
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,400
It's his favourite.

614
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,480
LAUGHING: I know. We're getting on
though, aren't we?

615
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,880
I think it's fair to say,

616
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,680
when it comes to being a monarch,
we both nailed it.

617
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,560
Follow these invaluable tips and you too

618
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:30,800
might rule one day.

619
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:31,960
Maybe.

620
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,640
Perhaps, if your dad's the King. Yeah.

621
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,120
Also helps if you're awesome at all
sports, too.

622
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:40,120
BOTH: Thanks for watching. Goodbye!

623
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,520
IN STYLE OF: Get Lucky
by Daft Punk

624
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,560
♪ You think you know so much of me

625
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,680
♪ Beheadings, heirs, romance

626
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,120
♪ Change wives almost as often as

627
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,760
♪ I change my underpants

628
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,000
♪ Apart from my great modesty

629
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,200
♪ There's other things you ought

630
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,480
♪ To know
King Henry VIII, that's me

631
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,080
♪ Was brilliant at sport

632
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,760
♪ I was a star

633
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:14,000
♪ At competitive arts

634
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,240
♪ Though I look more

635
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:21,640
♪ Like a man who plays darts

636
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,040
♪ I learnt how to, just for fun

637
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,400
♪ And used my height against some

638
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,240
♪ I dressed as a knight and won

639
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,760
♪ No wonder that I got sweaty

640
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,400
♪ There really is nothing like

641
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,600
♪ The great feeling when you strike

642
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,920
♪ A bloke with a 12-foot spike

643
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,240
♪ One-nil, back of the netty

644
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:45,120
♪ I really love to get sweaty

645
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:48,440
♪ I wasn't just a jouster

646
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,520
♪ Threw a javelin, you know

647
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,960
♪ Axe-fighting, dressage, archery

648
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,760
♪ All strings to my longbow

649
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,920
♪ Dad made real tennis popular

650
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,120
♪ I was a proper Federer

651
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,080
♪ Of course, no-one would beat the King

652
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,240
♪ At tennis I was better

653
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,160
SYNTH VOICE

654
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:12,040
♪ I really love to get sweaty

655
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,520
♪ My sporting lark's

656
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:19,600
♪ Why there's so many parks

657
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,680
♪ Green there and here

658
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:28,440
♪ Cos I liked killing deer

659
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,520
♪ But then I fell off my horse

660
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,480
♪ It landed on me with force

661
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,600
♪ And so, no more sport, of course

662
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,680
♪ That makes no more getting sweaty

663
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,520
♪ And as the years went by

664
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,800
♪ I fell in love with pie

665
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,880
♪ And soon after I... ♪

666
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,040
...could barely get off the settee.

667
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,080
HE SIGHS

668
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,720
VOCALISING ROCK VERSION
OF THEME TUNE

669
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,240
♪ The past is no longer a mystery

670
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,080
♪ Hope you enjoyed

671
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,720
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

672
00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:11,320
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